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Home > Dr. Sarcasm

The Philosophical Musings of Dr. Sarcasm 

Turning the world on its head, one sarcastic thought at a time.

Observations On The Importance Of The FFE (Free Fart Environment)

I thought we would talk today about a very important subject, often overlooked in polite society, yet crucial to the well being and good health of us all.

The FFE, or Free Fart Environment, is simply defined as any environment where you can fully release gaseous build up from your digestive system at any time without fear of reprisal or any negative consequences whatsoever.

In other words, it's a place where you can blow bean without getting caught.

Now, obviously, the best FFE is a place with no one else around to hear or smell your activities.  However, you can still exist in an FFE even with others around so long as you meet the following requirements.

  1. Maintain adequate cover noise.

  2. Maintain adequate cover smell or ventilation.

Let's face it.  If you rip one out that sounds like a snarling grizzly bear in the middle of prayer time at church, you're going to be heard.  Not to mention that even Aunt Freda's overabundance of perfume isn't going to cover the stench of your late night jalapeno popper's residuals --- even if an expounding preacher just happens to belt out fire and damnation loud enough to give you some momentary cover noise.

Church, therefore is NOT an FFE.

However, the real point here is not to overly criticize areas you visit on occasion, such as church, but to emphasize the importance of maintaining an adequate amount of FFE's in your daily life.

Let's take, for instance, your place of employment.  Do you work in an FFE?  Or are you constantly stifling your natural gastric releases in an effort to save face?  

Have you ever considered the negative health impacts of NOT working in an FFE?

Science has proven -- or at least should have proven by now -- that the "holding in" of natural flatulence can cause serious trauma to the gastro intestinal tract.  

Continual "holding in" will often lead to what's known as an "inverse fart", where gastric pressure that should have been released via "ripping one" turns inward and bubbles back up through the GI tract causing the build up of enormous pressure.  This can cause extensive intestinal damage, especially if you are still eating or drinking at the time.

Let me put it this way, it's like shoving a potato up your car's exhaust pipe and then trying to drag race. 

Everything just goes BOOM.

Therefore, it is my recommendation that each of us seek to maintain an adequate amount of FFE's in our daily life.  Even if your normal work environment is not an FFE, look for small, out of the way areas you can move to in times of need. 

Again, you need some kind of cover noise that can disguise the tune of your gaseous release, and a convenient scapegoat on which to blame the smell.

For instance, as a bus driver, I simply give the engine an extra bit of rev, and then drop a casual comment or two about the stench from "that leaky heater hose".

Really, it's that simple.  Examine your work place.  Look for ways and means to make sure you have plenty of FFE's where you can blow loose whenever needed and thereby maintain the best in intestinal health.  

Do it for yourself.  Do it for your future.  Do it for your children.

Just don't do it anywhere near me.

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Just so you know, the original idea of the FFE came from something a buddy of mine said way back in high school shop class.

He said, "You know why I like shop so much?  It's loud and stinky so no matter what you can always fart whenever you need to."

Yeah, that's why I took shop, too.

With that kind of logic, it's no wonder this buddy of mine went on to become gun toting government agent.

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