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I'm Suing The Highway Department
The other day while driving down the road I saw a sign that said "STOP AHEAD". So, I reached over, took hold, and stopped my wife's head. She slapped me so hard she knocked a crown off one of my molars.
I'm suing the highway department.
Not long after that, I came upon a sign that said "SPEED ZONE AHEAD". Following its direction I sped through the entire zone as fast as I could. I got pulled over and given a "reckless driving" citation. I said to the cop, "What kind of a citation is that? I thought the whole point of driving was to stay wreck-less. It's safer and it keeps my insurance costs down." The cop hauled me to jail.
I'm suing the highway department.
Another time, I came upon a sign that said "NO PASSING". I got fired from my job after spending six and a half hours sitting there waiting for someone to give me permission to pass the bloody sign.
I'm suing the highway department.
One time I saw a sign on a steep hill by an emergency exit ramp that said "Runaway Vehicles Only". I left a stack of pamphlets with information on how to contact the National Runaway Helpline. I got ticketed for littering.
I'm suing the highway department.
Out there on the road, I often come upon signs that say "KEEP LEFT" or "KEEP RIGHT". Who do these bastards think they are anyway, trying to influence my political affiliations with these vague directional signs like I'm some unthinking moron who doesn't know any better? Hmmm?
I'm suing the highway department.
On the way home the other day, I saw a sign that said "DO NOT ENTER". Hmmff. Like anyone could get inside a quarter inch thick metal sign anyway. What an insult to my intelligence!
I'm suing the highway department.
I once came upon a sign that said "ROAD CLOSED TO THRU TRAFFIC". Knowing that my destination was another 15 miles, so I wasn't even close to being through, I kept on going and ran into a bulldozer.
I'm suing the highway department.
While my car was being repaired, I was forced to take the bus around town. Waiting at the bus stop, I saw a sign that said "NO PARKING - Bus Stop". My head still hurts from trying to figure out how the bus is supposed to stop and let people on without parking.
I'm suing the highway department.
I came across a sign in the mountains one time that had a curved arrow on it and the number 35. Yeah, I counted. By the time I got out of the mountains, the road curved 97 times, not 35. That's false information, my friend!
I'm suing the highway department.
I came across a sign once that said "9% GRADE". I feel that's discrimination against those of us who can only score an 8% or less on average and so...
I'm suing the highway department.
Last Friday I spent six hours parked by a sign that said "SLIPPERY WHEN WET". But you know what? Bon Jovi never did show up.
I'm suing the highway department.
I passed a sign the other day that said "BE PREPARED TO STOP". As I looked down to make sure I still had a brake pedal in my car, I ran into the back of another bulldozer.
I'm suing the highway department.
One time, I came across a sign with two directional arrows on it, one pointing straight ahead, one off to the right. I got so confused trying to decide which arrow to follow that I ended up driving off between the two and hitting a tree that sat right in the middle. Well, that tree wasn't on the sign, so...
I'm suing the highway department.
Another sign told me "NO PARKING - 8:30a.m. to 5:30p.m." I peed my pants twice by noon and ran out of gas at 2:45. By the time 5:30p.m. rolled around and I could finally park, I no longer wanted to do so. I was hungry, tired, and smelled like a gas station urinal. So, I headed home with one single thought in mind.
I'm suing the highway department.
On my way home, I passed a sign that said "EMERGENCY STOPPING ONLY". Not wanting to be stuck in my car again, I slit my wrists, pulled into my driveway, called 9-1-1, and headed for the shower.
I'm suing the highway department.
Last week, I pulled up to a stop sign that said "4-WAY" under it. I looked straight ahead, off to my left, off to my right, and thought to myself, "That's only 3 ways, what the hell are they talking about?"
I'm suing the highway department.
Just today, I came upon a big red sign that said "STOP", so I stopped. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for it to turn green and say "GO" so I just pulled out anyway.
I got run over by a cement truck. I'm now dead.
However, I'm petitioning God for a temporary reinstatement so I can return to Earth and SUE the Highway Department!
Copyright © 2009 --- written by Joe Humor
Copyright © 2009 JoeHumor.com, Joe Bingham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. All content on this site is 100% original and written by me, Joe Bingham, for the express purpose of entertainment and fun. At no time is anything intended to offend, insult, or otherwise enrage anyone. If you find yourself upset or otherwise ticked off, relax, I'm just freakin' kidding, OK? Don't take things so seriously. "Life IS a joke, why not laugh at it?" Please just enjoy yourself and let me attempt to enrich your life with a little more fun and a lot more laughs. Thanks for reading --- Joe